


Kuroo Tetsurou's Job(s) (Crackfic)

by inpctxy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Chuck E. Cheese's, Crack, Gen, Haha alot of bad language, Hot Sex, Hot steamy doujin coming out soon! :heart_eyes_cat:, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, Intentionally kinda offensive, Kuroo is actually a fucking dork you hoes, M/M, Multi, ahh my discord nostalgia, can we quickly make fun of tumblr scanlations, intentially really cringy and of course its my own humor, my humor is QUiRKy stfo, not a rarepair but idgaf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:48:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25385554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inpctxy/pseuds/inpctxy
Summary: Basically Kuroo Tetsurou has this job as a porn actor.Short stories about working there (and some other wack places) and the adventures of distorted cursed Nekoma and possibly Fukurodani, well kinda.Literally my weird ass humor..if you don't get it or are gonna cringe, get out this is literally all a joke
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Kuroo Tetsurou's Job(s) (Crackfic)

**Author's Note:**

> -Literally what I wrote one day in some long lost Discord server (that is deleted now and it was around my toxic bitchass friends (hi there if thats you, teehee)) so I posted to Wattpad and I might post here 
> 
> -Kuroquis is also a doujinshi artist known for making explicit Kurotsukki works. I typically really admire their art style (in some panels :skull:) but sometimes the actual stories itself (or even the strange expressions LOL) tend to go overboard with sexualizing characters and uh----there's a alot shown in there, too much my braincells are sanity die
> 
> -Tying into that ^ I don't even really visit myreadingmanga as much as I used to (that general website and please dear god don't visit it just read about it here if you want more info) mainly because it is ILLEGAL and it is just not appropriate for most people as it can romanticize morally wrong topics and/or doesn't correctly represent gay relationships at all
> 
> -No actual porn so if you are here for that, you are out of luck. Well maybe, but probably a joke, because I don't actually write lemons :v
> 
> -Nobody is actually romantically interested in each other in this fanfiction, they are all just homies. 
> 
> -My humor is kinda strange so good luck
> 
> -Kuroo is a fricking nerd stop making him a sex god (I mean I simp for him too ngl I just-YKNOW?)

Long ago, there was this rooster haired bitch that probably snorted cheetos in his free time and simped over 𝔁𝓾𝓮, 𝓱𝓾𝓪, 𝓹𝓲𝓪𝓸, 𝓹𝓲𝓪𝓸, 𝓫𝓮𝓲, 𝓯𝓮𝓷𝓰, 𝔁𝓲𝓪𝓸,𝔁𝓲𝓪𝓸, 𝔁𝓾𝓮. (fuck me the emojis didn't work) (cause y'know WHO DOESN't) 

you'd be suprised. his whole team think hes a dumbshit and doesnt know what he's doing but, OHOHKHOHOHOHOHOHOH 

all the laddies love him apparently  
Fucking e-kid got a job  
at myreadingmanga back in like, idfk 2013  
When he was like 17  
And he went to Bokuto-san  
"sorry bro, we're breaking up" Kuroo Testies confirmed.  
"why, bro? WHAT ABOUT VOLLEYBALL" Bokuto-san exclaimed.  
"ahh...youth, ive grown up now" He cries and rests his bigass, oversized yaoi hands onto Bokuto's thickass shoulders  
And yeeted Bokuto-san into the sun. 

MRM was some store in Cincinnati, Ohio.  
Next to Chuck E Cheese.where all the kkk kids meet (THAT STANDS FOR KOOL KUROO KLUB) and drink gorilla hair.

He met this kid named Tsukki brrrr  
and apparently he was paid $383821938120938120938210938  
to fuck this guy like everywhere, everyday, like WHO KNOWS  
Tsukki, will was sick of this fucking shit and wanted to flee home and make out with his boyfriend but FUCK nO. 

HE HAD TO BANG SOME IDIOT THAT SHOWED NO EXPRESSION 

he was poor.

Anyway after working there for like 12938218379821 years,  
tsukishima kei didn't give a fuck anymore  
In fact, i dont think he even aged. 

Kuroo was hired as the ultimate "SeX gOD"

and the ohioan girls loved him yknow

\---------------------------------------

One fateful day,

Kuroo Testurou strutted up to his boss during the shot of the SHoWEr EpisODe. His boss was a 5'2 woman that looked like she never left her bed in her life. No, actually she looked like a Karen in her mid 20's that spent her whole 2 decades reading garbage doujin

"OKAY KUROQUIS. THATS FUCKING IT." HE YELLED

"WE ALL KNOW I'M THE TRUE HOE"

"no" she said looking up like 12 inches up in the air towards Testies

"fuck that salty french fry like a mcdonalds happy meal bitch" she took a chainsaw and literally cut off the top of this guys rooster hair. 

Kuroo fucking screamed like a little girl to that response.

"Homedog, you think THAT laugh is gonna seduce the laddies?" his boss retorted.

Kuroo flashed back to all the moments his fangirls were like,  
"KuRoO, PoUNd ME In ThiSSS HolE iNsteaD" 

No bitch. Like he'd fuck you. skskskskskkss

Kuroo went to go eat lemon cake for lunch (yes just lemon cake).

\----------------------------------------------

Glancing across the random, grungy lunchroom he spotted  
Kenma Kozume on his Nitendo Switch wearing a very expressive face.

"KENMA..TF YOU DOING HER-" 

Kenma took a deep breath and said the great words; 𝔁𝓾𝓮, 𝓱𝓾𝓪, 𝓹𝓲𝓪𝓸, 𝓹𝓲𝓪𝓸, 𝓫𝓮𝓲, 𝓯𝓮𝓷𝓰, 𝔁𝓲𝓪𝓸,𝔁𝓲𝓪𝓸, 𝔁𝓾𝓮 (STILL NO EMOJIS)

Tsukki dumped s a l a d into Kuroo's new haircut that wasn't so roostery. (COCK ajsdkasjd) while he was staring at Kenma's elbows, licking his hips. I MEANT LIPS.

"Sorry, sicko didn't you want to noya in my oya" Tsukki smirked.

Kuroo cries. To be honest, the Tsukki he fricked wasn't anything like this.

"No..bitch." TK (kuroo) replied. "Y'KNOW NOW I WANNA PLAY VOLLEYBALL AGAIN WITH THE HOMIES" 

He stares at Kenma once more, and spit out his gluten free vegan lemon cake.

Today is the day, Kuroquis decided to make a SHoWEr FourSOme.  
She hired 2 people who literally looked exactly like Bokuto and Akaashi but uglier LMFAO. Anyway Kuroo has dhasjdhajsd so many times, his pp was prolly gonna fall off.

"k, homies, idgaf about your condom or STD situation but lets GOOO" Kuroquis clapped them cheeks and waked them up.

\-----------------------------------------------------

She dropped billions of cash on the floor like she was Daisuke Kanbe or some shit and took out her fliphone 

"aight"

"WHIP OUT YOUR SHDjakshdjkas"

So ya'll (or at least me) know what the hell happens in doujin so lets say yadadaydaydagdyadgaydgaysgdy

Then, Kuroquis throws her fucking phone on the ground and stomped at it. 

"EWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWEWE ITS NOT GROSS AND MORALLY WRONG ENOUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

She smirked

She glanced at...the closest.

What was in the closest?

She took out very old keys and unlocked the door.

Tf is going on kuroo said standing up from his awkward af position on Tsukki. 

'tf homie we boutta get fired' tsukki said 

'so? block them balls with me instead' kuroo replied 

tsuki sighed and started to clean up the weird shit. ANYWAY- 

He was naked. Duh. And on Kuroquis'ssddsdsd crushed flipphone camera that doesn't even have a camera camera.  
'well fuck' 

He tied a towel around his waist..that towel prolly had chlamydia on it YOU KNOW ITS MYREADINGAMNAG. 

AND HE STARTED SPRINTING INTO THE CLOSEST THAT KUROQUIS WALKED IN TO. WHEEZING THE FRUIT SALAD SONG 

once he set foot. 'the fuck' he said in shock and straight up disgust 

'𝕿𝖍𝖊 𝖈𝖑𝖔𝖘𝖊𝖘𝖙 𝖜𝖆𝖘 𝖘𝖔 𝖚𝖓𝖕𝖚𝖗𝖊, 𝖔𝖍 𝖘𝖔 𝖚𝖓𝖕𝖚𝖗𝖊 𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖋𝖗𝖎𝖈𝖐𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖆𝖚𝖙𝖍𝖔𝖗 𝖜𝖍𝖔 𝖜𝖗𝖔𝖙𝖊 𝖙𝖍𝖎𝖘 𝖌𝖆𝖗𝖇𝖆𝖌𝖊 𝖉𝖎𝖉𝖓'𝖙 𝖜𝖆𝖓𝖙 𝖙𝖔 𝖉𝖊𝖘𝖈𝖗𝖎𝖇𝖊 𝖎𝖙. 𝕵𝖚𝖘𝖙 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖈𝖔𝖓𝖙𝖊𝖓𝖙𝖘 𝖔𝖋 𝖒𝖞𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖉𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖒𝖆𝖓𝖌𝖆'𝖘 𝖇𝖑𝖆𝖈𝖐 𝖒𝖆𝖗𝖐𝖊𝖙 𝖎𝖓𝖉𝖚𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖞 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖕𝖎𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌 𝖍𝖉𝖘𝖏𝖆𝖉𝖍𝖆𝖏𝖘𝖉𝖍𝖘𝖆𝖐𝖏

That fucking sugar daddy perverted hoe turned her face around and stared into his emo, hazel iyes. 

"homie I LOOOk." she sinisterly chuckled 

shocked, kuroo tried to run out of the closest. 

'sorry homodog youre HONRY" she replied 

"no i want to play bolleybal with the bois, bitch" he retorted 

"stfu or you dont get paid" she replied 

Kuroo was about to defend himself and completely roast her fucking ass but then--

"oPEn Up THE SAfE BiTCHeS gOT AlOT TO SAY" he recognized that voice. 

"KENMA-KUN? NANI MO?" He excitedly glanced throughout the cursed, fricked up, huge closest "sorry, simp, 

"i was on my way to walmart getting a pack of powdered d o u g h n e t t e s" a voice like Kenmas appeared out of a barrel full of white liquid, soaking wet. 

"KENMA WHY THE FUCK WERE YOU INSIDE A CURSED CLOSEST IN A THING FULL OF CU-" 

"Believe it or not, its just bleach..Kuro."  
"I needed to not only bleach my eyes after what I saw in here, perhaps my whole fucking body djksahdasjkhd.  
"HOMIE IT BLEACHED YOUR HAIR FUCKING SNOW BLONDE TF"

"I CANT SEE ANY OF YOUR NATURAL ROOTS" 

"its fine, kuro..i needed to get Hisoka x Gon out of my head" 

kuroquis glanced at kenma. 

"OHOHIHIHIHOHOHHOHOH, scrumptious looks way more feminine than TSuKkIpoO and skinnier hejhasjkdhaskjdhsajkdhsakjdhsajkdhjasdhksjahda starts saying really perverted shit Ig"" Kuroquis gigged 

"Fuck this shit, I'm going to Chuck E Cheese. I'm craving cardboard pizza and kids gambling." Kenma said jumping out of the weird bleach barrel in his super soaked hoodie and sweatpants and scrolled silently to the exit, punching the door so it breaks open, and walks out of the building without losing eye contact with his Nitendo Switch.

Apparently, his electric nitendo switch didn't like melt or something OH WELL

"sorry bitch..i simp for my homies" 

Kuroo nodded and agreed, slapping that hoe in the face and bolting out the door

"TSUKKI, WANNA JOIN?"

"yeah no fuck off"

**Author's Note:**

> -I know it's cringy, its supposed to be super cringy. The grammar is bad on purpose too, just a disclaimer
> 
> -I have like zero inspiration and I was bored


End file.
